Vientaine and my Couchette

I just arrived to Vientaine and my first flushable toilet in a LONG time, and... it had toilet paper!! This is something I'll never again take advantage of. I was unaware of how many people in this world have no access to sanitation. I had seen the numbers and facts before, but I suppose you have to live it before it becomes a reality. Another few shocks were the electricity past 10pm and the hot shower at my guesthouse. I feel like I'm in a new powder fresh world. Interestingly enough, I can smell my armpits right now, for the first time in a long time. Maybe I washed too well?

My last days on Don Det were relaxing as ever and Salad's family continued to persuade me to come live with them. I continued to kindly reject these advances. I got on a small long boat with 12 other people to head to Pakse yesterday around 11:00am. We switched to a mini bus, and I got to Pakse around 2pm. I had 6 hours to kill here before I got in my sleeper bus to Vientaine. I don't know why I decided to skip the center of Laos. I guess the same reason I decided to skip the center of Vietnam... just a gut feeling. I met a professonal Brazillian volleyball player named Isabellia and a group of 6 french guys in Pakse. We were having a fine time, and I considered cancelling my bus and taking a motorbike around with the french guys, but I decided against it at the last minute. I decided that the temptation of breaking my celibacy vow had too high a potential of being broken with these nice french people, none of whom I felt particularly fond of.
YIKES, I sound stuck in my own head.

The truth is, I'm really in desperate need of some physical affection, a hug, a handshake even will do. The sleeping bus on the way to Vientaine was essentially a twin sized bed shared with someone I didn't know. Perhaps I would have been perturbed by this, but I felt lucky to even be sleeping close to someones feet! To give some background, around February of this year I experienced a relatively traumatic relationship ending and I promised myself 8 months of only thinking about me, of listening to what I needed. I am now at the end of month 6 and as lonely and proud and strong as I ever was.

They say that you can't love someone until you sufficiently love yourself, and I think this is true. I had just never experienced truly loving myself before. I've always dumped my time and thought and dedication into one (usually more than one) place. Here, I am forced to reflect on what it means to love yourself, what it means to be in the present moment.

I met a boy in Mongolia who made me feel free and safe and alive. It was the first time I felt a care and an appreciation so free of craving, free of the NEED that drives most passion. This was the most amazing experience. We met simply for one day, however, and then he was gone. His lack of physical presence hasn't erased him from my mind, however. Since then, I think about him everyday, which shows my weakness. I long for that feeling of safety and security. The thing is, he doesn't bring that. It comes from within me. I am just having trouble holding on to it!!! Somewhere inside, I still view partnership and love as a kind of salvation: "If you are loved, nothing else it really that serious." Now, the task at hand is to remove the first clause: Nothing is really that serious!! Only when I believe this, can I be a good partner for someone else.

I desire a partnership in which we can help each other grow as strong individuals. I think I finally understand what this means, but boy am I weak and lost. I think its ok if I still would like to see that boy again...

I am also experiencing my first trials in regards to my strength of reserve and calm. Today, I ate breakfast with my two roomates, Anne and Mateo. Anne is 39 yr old, newly made physio-therapist from London, and Mateo is a French Italian who reminds me of an old housemate of mine, Giovanni (minus all the complexes that go along with growing up in Texas). Anne made a comment at lunch about how she can't stand being in the minority in London anymore. She said that she hardly ever meets a white woman originally from the U.K. nowadays and she just wishes they would stop letting people in, so that they would stop taking the jobs. She has a job, by the way. Instead of listening with presence and diffusing the situation, I (relatively calmly) responded by citing how her inconvenience was but a tiny aspect of the pain and hardship that many of these refugees experienced in leaving their home countries. I felt my tension rising. I had to leave the situation to diffuse a potentially passionate response. I have such a strong tendancy to identify with my political positions that I must let go of. Breatheeeeeee....

I'm back in school now, so I've spent this whole time waiting for my exam guard to download on this computer. Now, I'm off to take a test in Global Managment Strategy. I love and think of you all often. Hugs and love all around. :)