Mongolia, I'm Nomading On Out

Only 12 more hours until I am on my way to the airport and only 20,000 T to spare (~15$).

A lot of you have been sending me messages asking what happened?! What have I done on my trip to make me so soft? Others have been asking what I've learned on my trip. This is a difficult thing to answer, as I'm sure I'm unaware of some of the most important lessons, but I will delve into a little of it here.

For those of you who know me well, you'd know that this trip was made out of requirement, a kind of, "I have to get out of here before I go insane," trip. They don't provide that option on the visa entry card. Before I left, my friend Christina was cute enough to lend me "A New Earth." A New Earth is a type of self-help, spiritual awakening book, a book that I in a more collected time could have used my 200,000$+ brain to refute at every turn without actually reading.

She said that I really needed it, and I did need something, so I gave it a chance. To give some perspective into the goal of this book, it is meant to teach anyone, from any religion any race, any age, how to silence the mean and needy voice inside our heads. You know the one. The one that says, "Say something spiteful as she walks away," or "you can/can't do better than him." This can manifest itself in many ways: worry, self-deprecation, anxiety, self-praising, doubt, fear, boredom, etc. The book doesn't preach any particular spirituality, or really delve into spirituality much. It focuses, rather, on the problems we bring to ourselves because of these voices, because of the ego. --For those having difficulty following, picture our ego like the alien dirt-bags from Independence Day. They come in and freaking blow shit up. We are all just like the president, clueless and trying to figure a way through this. A New Earth is like a personalized mini Will Smith. I guess that would make Tolle's other book like Will Smith's stripper fiance. I digress..

I opened the book and to my horror Christina had marked distinct passages with my name, as if I couldn't read my way between the lines of self loathing in the first place, but after that little voice in my head stopped whining, I started gaining the tools to be present, to be strong, and to take the fears and worries and anxieties for what they were... useless. WOW. What an amazing breath of calm.

To jump ahead a little, I've had an amazingly freeing time in Mongolia. Since I read the book, I have found more of the me I believed in as a child, the me that didn't have the words to argue my point so discarded it for others. I have lost maybe 15 pounds - I'm eating a twix right now. I feel good a lot, and I have met some really amazing people.

There is also an inverse to these positive things. I knew what I was going to do in my life before I came on this trip. I was going to get my law degree, learn Spanish, and spend my career helping small non profits take down the big corporations. Although I have no doubt that my eventual career will be equally as service related, I don't know what I am going to do anymore. Frankly, I don't know much of anything, including who I am. I have trouble even planning for tomorrow when I'm just so energized by today. Some will say this is a good thing, others bad. Either way, its working for me right now to a point.

I'm not ready to give up love and romance and dreams and ambition. I'm not ready to throw myself into the moment and stare at a flower all day [This is not at all what the book says. I'm just making the next logical progression]. This would remind me too much of the non-philanthropic aspects of Buddhism that I don't appreciate for myself. I am ready to breathe in love slowly and deeply, to wait for my heart to give me more direction instead of choosing all the paths ahead of time. I am ready to eat dinner.

I wrote this so that I could use the information involved as a jump-off for other posts, so I hope you don't find it too boring. I feel lucky to know all of you. I feel alive and free and not afraid to go it alone, but empowered and strong because you are there.


Dirty secret of the day: I came to an internet cafe yesterday and watched True Blood. Yikes!